Crossroads

We are still trying to figure out how we are going to come up with the $7,500 for the reversal. All of our savings are tied up in two of the homes that we own...and my husband refuses to put it on credit....we have been down that road and never want to be in debt again. I understand his reasoning....but the clock is not only ticking but it is POUNDING in my head. At 34...it feels like I don't have much time. We were shooting for August.....but it could take a few years yet before we concieve. Ugh.....a few times I have felt like throwing in the towel. Emotionally I feel like we are at a crossroads of either not going forward with this or going all in....I don't do things half way. I think if things don't move one way or the other in the next 2 months I will make the choice myself and say that we are going to be done having anymore children and focus on just being great parents to our 4 girls we already have.

Fresh start to the week

The baby shower went well yesterday. And even though there were a bunch of baby boys everywhere....I had fun. Some reason right now I feel bothered by baby boys again ....well...not by the actual baby...but the situation....when I think about having another baby I just assume and almost am hoping for a girl. Anyways, the girls had a good time as well.

Baby shower

Today the girls and I are going to attend a good friends baby shower. This should be fun now that I can invision having one of my own in a year or so.....:)

The reaction I expected....but wish was different....

So I told my Mom about our plan....well that we were at least thinking about having another baby.....and she huffed and puffed a bit then said she could not talk about it and got off the phone. I understand her concerns but geez......one of my favorite things to do is watch videos on youtube of grandma's-to-be being surprised that their daughters are expecting and they get sooo excited and jump for joy and scream....I would love a moment like that.....will it ever come....probably not.....but it sure would be nice....

Our Plan

So we think we have things kind of figured out. At the end of May, DH is going to a uriologist to have a consoltation to see if he has any swimmers left after his vasectomy 7 years ago and to get advice of how to procede. Assumming there are none...we are going to make an appointment for later this summer (before our August anniversary my DH says) for a vasectomy reversal in another state.

If those dates are accurate....we should be able to get pregnant sometime next year......as long as it works. And it sometimes does not. My heart will be heavy I think until we know that the surgery worked. Thats kind of our timeline......

Big regret

My husband and myself, deep down, never wanted to have the vasectomy in the first place. My last 3 preganacies and deliveries were complicated to say the least....and after some significant family pressure we decided it was best. I do conceide that because of my health it was a pretty book smart decision. But I have never felt I was done haveing children. I miss being pregnant....for some reason when I think back to my pregnancies it's almost as if it was happening to someone else....and I want to experiance it again. One thing I will never forget is how cool it was to have DH have his hands around my waist and tummy all the time.
But in the last 7 years since the vasectomy my health has impoved. We finally got to the bottom of things and discovered that I have (as do 2 of my daughters) Celiac Disease. As long as I stay on my gluten free diet I feel just fine. That is something I never had in my 20's while I was having my children....the ability to feel fine. I was always sick. How I had my 4 girls I will never know how we got through it. But it feels like now is our big chance to do it and enjoy it.
Before we had no family around, no one to help, no friends really to speak of and were isolated. Now we are both secure in our jobs (which I would leave after I had the baby) have great friends, my Dad lives near-by and I have my 4 older daughters that could help. My bottom three daughters were all born in under 3 years.....bing..bang..boom...so it was as if they were raised,potty trained and off to school almost at the same time......they don't even know what it's like to have a baby in the house. It makes me smile to think of what they will say when they find out if they have a new brother or sister. What a wonderful energy it would bring to the house.

I feel I need to post these feelings here because my family is not understanding. They would like to be I think....it's just that I think they see things finally getting good for us...health issues are resolving.....we are on the edge of financial issues resolving and now we are going to dive back into it all again. But since I can't talk to them....and my husband only can hear me talk about it so much :)....I will write it all down here. That should give me a nice break from being on facebook all the time......just kidding

It started yesterday

Actually, It started about 10 years ago. But our journey to become parents again technically started for me yesterday when my husband informed me he was going to have his vasectomy reversal in just a few months. I really thought it was me pushing the subject on him. We have friends that are having babies all around it seems right now...and our youngest out of our 4 is currently 7 years old. The clock has been ticking in my ears pretty loud lately and have been passing that onto my husband. I want to get my first post out there.....so here it goes!